why do I hold myself to a standard no one else has?
You hold yourself to a standard that would exhaust most people, and the strange part is that you rarely expect the same from others. That asymmetry is the clue to what's really going on.
Where It Actually Comes From
This pattern almost never starts as perfectionism in the clinical sense. It starts much earlier, usually in a situation where you learned that your margin for error was smaller than the people around you. Maybe you were the responsible one in a family that needed stability. Maybe you were praised specifically for being reliable when others weren't. Whatever the origin, your nervous system drew a reasonable conclusion: the rules that apply to other people do not apply to you. That felt true then. It may be running on autopilot now.
The Logic Underneath It
Here is what makes this hard to just think your way out of: the standard works. You produce. You follow through. You catch things before they fall apart. The behavior is reinforced constantly, which makes it feel like a character trait rather than a coping strategy. But notice what happens when you fall short of your own bar. The inner reaction is rarely proportional. A small mistake lands like a larger failure, and you wouldn't react that way if a friend made the exact same mistake. That gap in reaction tells you the standard is connected to something about safety or worth, not just competence.
Why It Feels Impossible to Lower
Dropping the standard feels dangerous because, at some point, holding it high was how you stayed okay. If you were the person who always came through, that identity became protective. Relaxing it even slightly can trigger a vague but real anxiety, a sense that something bad will happen or that you'll become someone you don't respect. This is worth sitting with honestly. The fear of lowering the bar is usually more about who you believe you are without it than about any actual consequences. Most people around you would not notice the difference if you operated at ninety percent instead of a hundred and ten.
Something That Actually Helps
The standard itself is not the problem. The problem is applying it without choice, as a reflex rather than a decision. One concrete thing you can try: before you hold yourself accountable for something, ask whether you would hold a specific person you respect to the same standard in the same situation. Not a hypothetical person, a real one. You will often find the answer is no, and that no is information. You are allowed to be in the same category as the people you extend grace to. That is not lowering your standards. That is applying them consistently for the first time.
When this runs your life, it usually traces to one underlying pattern. For this, it is most often the Saint rhythm, the thing under the behavior.