why do I give too much in relationships?
You give too much because at some point, giving felt like the safest way to make sure you were wanted. That is not a character flaw. It is a strategy that worked, and then kept running past its expiration date.
Where It Actually Starts
Most people who over-give did not learn it from a book. They learned it from a specific dynamic, usually early, where love or attention felt conditional. Maybe a parent was emotionally unpredictable, and being helpful or accommodating kept the peace. Maybe you were the kid who got praised for being 'so mature' or 'so easy', and you internalized that your value came from what you provided, not from who you were when you were just sitting still. The giving was never random generosity. It was a calculated, if unconscious, bid for security.
The Arithmetic That Feels True
There is a private equation many over-givers carry: if I give enough, they cannot reasonably leave. It sounds bleak when you say it plainly, but it has its own logic. Reciprocity is a real human instinct, and betting on it is not crazy. The problem is the math only works when the other person is operating in good faith and actually wants the same kind of closeness you do. When they are avoidant, or just not that invested, you end up giving more to compensate for a return that was never coming. You are not too generous. You are trying to solve a connection problem with a generosity solution.
What It Costs You Slowly
The bill does not arrive all at once. It shows up as low-grade resentment you feel guilty about, because you volunteered for all of this. It shows up as a creeping sense that nobody actually knows you, only the version of you that shows up ready to help. People who over-give often have a hard time answering the question 'what do you need?' not because they are selfless but because tracking their own needs got trained out of them. You became fluent in other people's emotional weather and a stranger to your own.
Something That Actually Helps
The shift is not 'give less'. That framing just produces anxiety and guilt. A more useful starting point is practicing the pause before the yes. When someone asks something of you, or when you feel that familiar pull to smooth things over or do more, try waiting twenty-four hours before acting on it. Not to be withholding. Just to check whether the impulse is coming from genuine want or from fear that not giving will cost you something. Over time, you start to notice the difference in your body. Genuine generosity feels open. Fear-based giving feels like a small tightening in the chest.
When this runs your life, it usually traces to one underlying pattern. For this, it is most often the Saint rhythm, the thing under the behavior.